“Let’s Name Her Harriet” by Whitney Collins

227 Replies

Scientists have found the frozen carcass
Of a frozen female woolly mammoth

They say they’d like to clone her

I guess because they know, for a fact,
That woolly mammoths are
Good-natured
And docile
And highly-trainable
And lean
And low in cholesterol
And pair well with a Pinot

Not to mention
That boring-ass circus that comes to town
With its abused tigers and $25 popcorn
Could really use some elephants with hair

Why, just last year, I said:
“This circus and its bald-ass elephants sucks!
I sure hope they clone some prehistoric animals soon.
These depressed monkeys dressed in suspenders are boring as shit.”

Honestly.
I haven’t been this excited by technological advances since I heard about that 3-D printer
You know
The one that PRINTS WORKING GUNS
Or that Roundup-resistant corn
That’s made in a test tube
You know
The corn that ROACHES WON’T EAT

So, get out your Tasers!
And bring on the woolly mammoth!
And put her in a tutu!

Yay.
Yay science.

-Whitney Collins

227 thoughts on ““Let’s Name Her Harriet” by Whitney Collins”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *