the rest of his life

nothing quite as pathetic as
the later stages of machismo
lost-wax hollow metal
brittle ceramic jacket he
just never gave at all and
nothing
ever got in to fill him up

where his grandma hollowed him out
that’s not your daddy and cackle and
that will show the slut daughter
and her decent man
that she won’t keep
why should the boy think
he’s got a father
that’s not your daddy, bastard
eight years old
and old Carl left like
grandma expected
but he must have been a decent man
to let my father think
he had a father for eight whole years but
that was a family of troubled women
of men that were broken, sealed over or gone.

Pop chose sealed over like
the hollow metal porcelain teeth
he curled his back over
the rest of his life
teeth that glow a little like human ones
built up by layer by layer
hollow to fit the stub
with its raw nerve
sealed over, and hollow

he found another
mean old grandma’s daughter
her love couldn’t fill him
not because he wouldn’t let it in
it just wasn’t there
she might have been a cold woman
even without the inference below:
but intact liitle girls are not reported
to have thanked God for their father’s suicide
facedown in a desert creek by folded clothes
leaving a vacancy
for male nurse at the prison
(and it wasn’t until two husbands later grandma
found the inquest
as a detail of her pension
and discovered that her brother, a policeman
had concealed the fact that death
had been preferred to life with her).

Pop broke up her first marriage, and it turned
Her love didn’t open him up
but annealed him like
ultraviolet lamps
curing the finish of
a bunker wall
or an unmanned spacecraft
She fumed on his birthday, when
She had to fry him round steak
and insisted he was
possessed by demons
I do not remember a single loving act
Of hers, for him
that may be a fault with me
I have her Bible, underlined
in every place that God has cursed a man.

(He did philander, honoring in breach.)

Infection killed her after they removed the cyst.
Pop slept next to her picture
the rest of his life,
forever 1967.

Perhaps she loved him then.
I don’t remember.

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