Instructions for Driving the First Time After a Major Car Wreck
1. Do not sweat: Breathing. Blinking. Sitting straight. The pressure of the belt against your healing ribs. The stiffness in the hips and lower back. The new soreness in the atrophied muscles of the back. All those minor pains.
2. Acknowledge-like you would a friend at a party you do not need to speak to, because your intimacy requires only a head nod, because you will not, you know, shake each other off, because you will, as you have now since your new forever, walk home together and spend the night reliving the party-the anxiousness and the tingling in your chest.
3. Every car at every intersection. Every bird that plays hawk and dove with your front bumper. Every squirrel. Every dog. Every cat. Every child and jogger. All the cars parked by the side of the road. Note them as the living, willing, irrational things they are. Moved by passions you do not understand or control. Drive by them-as if they were a lover who spurned you, as if you were a beloved now caught up anew in a love that will never leave you.
4. Write no poems. Think no thoughts. Worry not about your ailing parents. Think not on your unkempt hair. You are wheel and road. Rubber and metal. Glass and wind. You are the space through which you move and your destination.
5. A car is not a bicycle. You are now a learner again. Have only recently been granted a permit. You will now only always be a novice.
When I was sixteen, I bought a car on Friday. I did not drive it until Monday morning. At an intersection, a driver hit me on the passenger side and totaled my car. Even today when a car approaches from my right at a stoplight or sign, anxiety mounts. My foot is ready to lock the anti-lock brakes.
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