“To All the Friends I’ve Lost Before” by Whitney Collins

204 Replies

Dear Facebook friends who have unfriended me,
Sorry for the group email
And no worries
I’m not contacting you to find out if it was
My stance on guns in schools
Or my opinion of Chick-fil-A
Or my excessive use of the word vagina
Vagina
Vagina
That made you unfriend me
I’m just reaching out to the eight of you
(I know there are more; can someone plz forward?)
Because it seems like you all might get along
You obviously have lots in common
Like exemplary social decorum
A low tolerance for pocket pets
And a problem
With both sponsored Keystone Light ads
AND ME
Anyway
Hope you all are well
Just trying to make some connections for you guys
Consider me a matchmaker

For dicks

-Whitney Collins

204 thoughts on ““To All the Friends I’ve Lost Before” by Whitney Collins”

  1. Allie Marini Batts

    I love your work and want to be your friend. On Facebook. You can say vagina all you want. And eat at Chik-fil-A (or not.)

    Reply ↓

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