I am locked in battle with my fat ass.
we struggle daily against denim;
we cannot be contained
by the blockades of sizing The Gap would have us believe are average.
my fat ass has transfigured itself
to every cut between size 2 & 16
& no matter the width of the bolts of fabric,
it has felt hunger & fear.
all my clothes are just useless armor
& do nothing to deflect the infantry riflemen
of magazines
& infomercials
& drugstore diet sections,
all of them more lethal than a belt of full metal jacket.
there is always something in need of fixing
& usually it’s your fat ass
your flat ass
your cellulite skinned cottage cheese ass
your spraytan starved & spin class ass
your 21 points a day ass
your I’d kill to have the ass I didn’t appreciate at 25 ass
your push your face into the pillows & fuck you like a dog ass
your airbrushed & anorexic ass
your slap it like a horse to watch you giddy-up ass
your sad ass
your just want a pair of jeans that don’t fit like a battlefield ass
these tracts of muscle
& their camouflage of fat
were the first enemy I’d ever known,
the first clash of this war in 5th grade
when Jeremy Lawson told me
I’d be pretty if I didn’t have such a fat ass
& every day since then
has been my own 30-Year War,
where I try to prove to the Jeremy Lawsons of the world that
I can be pretty
I can turn this ass into whatever they want it to be
& that whether I’m a size 2 or 16
I will always be sorry for the space it takes up
& desperate to distract you from what it is not.
slim cut jeans are the uniform & the armor
but the enemy is already inside
& after a while,
we don’t even need propaganda anymore.
the lethal force of infomercials
magazines
celebrity endorsements
& all the Jeremy Lawsons
trained to respond to only 1 kind of ass
are bits of shrapnel moving through my body.
one day they will hit a vital organ
& drop me & my fat ass down.
until then
there are changing rooms to cry in
weigh-ins to feel shame & pay penance at
Hydroxycut pills to buy & chug down
& Cosmo tips to help me hide my fat ass—
I pray on these things like a rosary
that some combination
will bring this battle to an end:
there is always something in need of fixing.
DDDAMNITT
This is beautiful. Very spoken word.
<3
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