Jump ing

394 Replies

I woke up at 4:40 to the three year old squirming
on her mattress, moaning discomfort at a lost sheet
When I kneeled by her bed to re-cover and soothe,
whisper back-to-sleep secrets, her one-year-old sister stood
in her crib across the room and began
jump ing
jump ing
jump ing
 
Half asleep myself, I picked up her hefty 28 pounds and
backed my way to the glider, still carrying the weight
of a nightmare that had followed me across the hall
from my own bedroom
a heaviness of half-awake anxiety, confused
about real and not real, day and night

I had dreamed
I was about to give birth again, was already
in labor, and the L&D nurse was checking my cervix
in a room full of men, women, and children
who stood in line to fill out job applications
I think they were job applications
It felt like a visit to the DMV
except for my hospital bed right in the middle of the room
and the cervical exam
 
That is the sense of dreams, what is nonsense five hours later

When the doctor—
a young, tall, broad man with a soft face
and closely cropped light brown hair—
entered, I began to scream in terror.
In the dream.
 
It is not clear to me
now why I was terrorized, except
that he was not my doctor
surely not a reason to panic
but at 4:40 this morning, just before the squirming
child pulled me from my bed,
I
   could
               hardly
                             breathe.
 
In the gray
twilight of toddler-rocking
before the sun rises, it
was a nightmare of 28 pounds.
 
In the daylight, I know
I had a tubal ligation.

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