Michael Douglas claims
His throat cancer
Was caused by oral sex
This is a lovely and thoughtful announcement
Particularly since his wife
Was recently in a
Mental health treatment facility
I mean
Maybe it wasn’t HER vagina specifically that caused his cancer
It could have been one of the
Many, many, many
Many, many, many
Many, many, many, many
MANY OTHER NUMEROUS vaginas
He partook of over the years
The fact that he is letting us know this
Via world news
While looking like one of the
THIRD STRING GOLDEN GIRLS
Is an image I’m having trouble drinking away
I have forgotten Fatal Attraction
And Wall Street
And Romancing the Stone
And War of the Roses
And Basic Instinct
And The Game
All I see now
Is him
In a shawl
On a nursing home sun porch
Talking about muff diving
I mean
I guess it’s good he’s raising awareness
About the dangers
OF VAGINAS
But honestly?
Go to hell, Michael Douglas
You just set back cunnilingus
At least 60 years
Now we’re back in 1953
When touching a clitoris
Gave men heart disease
So, thanks a lot, Michael Douglas
And thanks for giving your wife bipolar disorder
Which is scientifically proven to be
What happens to women
When they go down on
Men
-Whitney Collins
awesome.
*applause*
Fucking hilarious and creative
OMG DYING OVER HERE!
Nice. Hilarious. There’s no tellin who I got it from then …. And she has bipolar II. Bipolar I must come from twenty something hotties. Shit. It’s time to grow up.
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