“I’ll Bring The Barefoot, You Bring The Contessa” by Whitney Collins

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Dear Ina Garten,
Just a gentle heads up
But if Jeffrey ever dies
I’m going to leave my family
And become a lesbian
And convince you to become a lesbian with me

I mean
We don’t really have to be LESBIAN lesbians
I basically just want to live with you
And have you cook for me

FOREVER

I’m guess what I’m asking
Is for you to be my wife
And to accept me as your broke, good-for-very-little, hungry husband

I bring up the lesbian part
Because all I have to offer you
Are some knock-knock jokes
And everyone hates those
So, all I got after that
Are sexual favors

It’s the least I can do for some
Spanish Pea Soup With Crispy Ham
And Italian Plum Tart With Finely Chopped Walnuts
And Baba au Rhum
And Lobster Mac and Cheese

I don’t even really like my own body parts
But I’m willing to put up with yours
Indulge them even
For years and years on end
For a single homemade Basil Gimlet

And that Strawberry Country Cake you make?
Well let’s just say
I’m up for a few rounds of “women’s prison” for that

Anyway
That’s my offer

Is Jeffrey ill?
How has he been feeling?
I bet his cholesterol is high

-Whitney Collins

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