I always thought, if I let Jesus save me,
I’d feel obligated henceforth to proselytize:
approach the people at the bus stop
“Excuse me, but have you opened your heart?”
To the bearded man I hand five bucks to:
“No, I don’t care if you use it for liquor;
But have you, have you been saved?”
Jesus saved me, then I went for a ride
in Mr. Toad’s motorcar; I went hither
and yon, till a cop gave me a ticket.
My protestations: I am Toad of Toad Hall
meant nothing to him. Though he said,
en route to hell: “Compared to the run of the mill,
you are really quite entertaining.”
I never did ask him if he was saved.
I knew that, saved as I was,
I was, at least temporarily, damned.
In the waiting room, a man had
Beer bottle pjs. Mine had penguins.
He was paranoid. I thought I was
toast. The flames lapped at my toes.
Hell was overseen by blonde angels
who had never smoked their whole lives
and didn’t get it that I’d trade
my liver for a smoke. They handed me
worn out markers to write with.
Everything I wrote felt like an SOS
that had no chance of making it to Heaven.
But if Jesus had saved me once,
he could do it again. I was sent
to a place where everyone could smoke.
There was snow, fresh air, and sweet tea.
My love brought me a brand new notebook
Where my prayers could be definite
and clear. No, I was not Toad of Toad Hall.
But leaving there, coming home, I rode
a wave that crashed me to the shore:
I was a wrong voice on Facebook, friends
dropped right and left, convinced
of the truth of my diagnosis.
How could I ever protest that I
had merely wanted to save the world?
Heaven is a place with no anxiety
where love cannot be lost. Where whales
break the surface of the sea, dance, and sing
through their blowholes, the very song
I wrote in 1983, to save the world.
It’s all of a piece: the universes,
Heaven, places where we can hear God.
And I can hear God now, as, sweaty,
I sit at my dining room table;
I’ve turned the volume down of
The chorus of my accusers, those
who make of each prayer I’ve prayed
a black lie, when all I really wanted
was for God to make this world anew.
I don’t need to proselytize.
Christ’s forgiveness is a blanket deal
or more like a crazy quilt—
you find yourself in Hell, your eyes open,
and walk right out, through the lit exit
at the rear of the building. Everyone
is saved, and everyone is free.
Your unique view of the cosmos is congruent with several poems, today. I am rewarded by seeing a record of a subterranean passage, familiar to so many of us. Well done!
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