On a Hearing in Charleston
I am wondering why they have brought him here
the skinny angle of his jaw
the mushroom cap of hair
the doleful eyes, bordering on sadness
from the TV screen his skin is not
white
but a pallor of grey
as if this might not be black and white
but instead
the curve of a metaphor
so many shades of grey
It seems unfair
to have to see this face
for a moment I am afraid
of my own sympathy
which rises, acidic and distasteful, in my throat
this skinny little kid
who I can easily see belongs nowhere at all
looking incapable
Incapable
of this horror
he might cry now
for a moment pursing his lips
into lines that squeeze tight
tremble a little
I have rolled over
from a fitful, dreamless sleep
where the sounds of a CNN reel
rolled tumultuously through my fog-filled brain
I have rolled over, rubbing sleep from my eyes
and he stares me down
As I watch
when I am not bordering on sympathy
a strange hysteria bubbles to the surface
and I am afraid I might laugh
aloud, quiet inappropriately
at this moment
where he looks so small and cowardly
knowing he will forever be lonely
seeing him in the tiny square of that room
hands locked behind his back
I wish though instead of him
I might see the victims
their images are displayed alongside his frame
9 little squares
Some of them could be my people
The rounded brown face of my Aunt B
whose voice swelled, without practice,
to fill our little A.ME. church on
Sunday mornings
But the pictures lack imagination
as if they are not real at all
Paper Mache people posted up alongside their killer
They seem to scream for their own space
I wish I could at least see the faces
of the victims’ families
who approach one by one
out of the shot of the camera
I cannot see them
So I close my eyes
Stop looking
Start listening
to feel out this story
the shuffle of papers
the steady movement of heavy breath
eyes closed, I can put my finger on this grief
which rises, hot and full, like steam
there is a moan
like a wounded animal
like something giving away
a sob
almost escapes but is pulled back
quick
before we are consumed
the tremor of voices
shake on words
and forgiveness
I might come undone
I am always searching for a reason
I might read Gandhi
who is always full of hope where there is none
but I do not read Gandhi or anyone at all
I smoke a cigarette
and write these words
on the front porch
where rain hits the ground like tears
unfolding like grief
an alternating soft and hard pattern
my eyes are moist and my nose drips uncontrollably
This is a map
This atlas of violence and terror
This chartered course
Leading always back
From where we came
But we are poor navigators
Even poorer readers of history
We cross the same path again and again
An act of cultural insanity
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